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I was raped. It happened in my home. My baby was asleep upstairs. It was perpetrated by someone I knew and had formerly been in a relationship with. Does this make it my fault?
I had no reason not to let him into my home, no reason to suspect that this would happen Does this make it my fault?
He used physical force, but left no mark. He tried coercion, but resorted to force when I continued to resist. I didn't let things escalate to violence (I wouldn't have stood a chance). Does this make it my fault?
I couldn't have been angrier with him at the time, but my options were limited, for fear of waking and alaming my sleeping child. Did this make it my fault?
I didn't admit to myself that this had been rape. Rightly or wrongly, I felt more violated that he had refused to leave my home, despite my anger at him and clear requests that he leave. When the harrassment continued, and began to impact on my friends and family, I had no choice but to report him to the police. He was arrested and bailed. I didn't press charges- I couldn't face him in court. Bail ended, and the harrassment continued. He was arrested again, and only this time did I admit to myself and the officer who took the statement that he'd forced sex on me without my consent, amongst other unpleasantries. It was the police who labelled it rape. Only then did I begin to face up to the full reality and emotional impact of what had happened. It takes so very long to get the perspective needed to understand a situation that crushes you emotionally, as this had done.
Whilst CPS did take him to court for harrassment, no one chased up the allegation of rape. No evidence. End of.
He was, and still is, a police officer of 30+ years standing. Is it possible that this had any bearing on the matter.
I understand it all so much better now. Sad thing is- there is nothing I could have done to have prevented it. It wasn't my fault. He had no excuse.

Author: frogs, Female, cardiff
Date: 29/06/2010