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when i was 12, my step-father raped me for the first time.

every single one of our neighbors "knew" about it - well, they all persist [to this day! 21 years later] in believing I "seduced him".

why?

at 12, i LOOKED 20 or so. i had large breasts and hips, and a small waist. i was getting cat-called and wolf-whistled everywhere i went.

the first time it happened [my mother is a nurse, at the time worked 2 jobs, both 3rd shift, so she was either not home or asleep] he came into my room, and gave me this pity-guilt trip about how when he was a teen none of the girls liked him, and he "just wanted to know what it felt like to touch a pretty girl". i said i understood what he meant, but no, it wasn't like that NOW bcuz he was A) 55 and B) my STEP-DAD
he got angry, hit me, felt me up, did something else... i don't remember it all.
then told me that if i said anything, everyone would "know" it was MY fault, because of how i looked, that he wouldn't get into any trouble bcuz "look at you, you're BUILT to be fucked, no man would ever punish me for fucking you" - but that if i tried anyway, he'd kill my mom and one of my sisters [my youngest sister is my half sister, his daughter. he didn't threaten her]

so i didn't say anything. and, periodically, he'd come stealing into my room. i WOULD fight - in fact, it was such a fight that informed the neighbors of what was going on. there were teenage boys who lived near us, they heard screaming and slamming noises, and snuck up to my window and videotaped a large chunk of what happened that night.
the tape included: him hitting me [a LOT] me trying to get away, defending myself, him throwing me into the wall, stunning me, flipping me over, slamming my head into the wall [which knocked me unconcious].

from this tape, my neighbors concluded that i "seduced him"!
i was 13 when they made the tape. when i started high school, every single kid at school knew about the tape, and how i had "seduced" my step-dad. when i protested that i had NOT, that he raped me, the kids would say things like "if he raped you why isn't he in jail?"
the fact that i believed him, when he said no one would convict, and that he'd kill my mother and sister, also didn't matter.

i was a "slut" who had seduced her mother's husband. period. guys would ask me out, then be angry when i wouldn't have sex with THEM - because wasn't i a slut? the ONE guy who seriously dated me was ALWAYS angry, because i was "cheating" on him, by being RAPED.

it didn't matter how i dressed, how i acted - i looked like THAT, therefor i WAS a slut and i DID deserve everything my step-father did to me. it couldn't have been rape if i looked like THAT!

he died when i was 16. sad and horrible as it is to say it - i wanted to laugh and throw a party! no one was going to be able to hurt me like that again. i moved [to live with my bio father]. i was a mess for years - i have PTSD from it.

i still hate my body [especially my breasts]. and him. and the neighbors. ESPECIALLY the neighbors!

I WAS 12 YEARS OLD.. even if i *HAD* somehow "seduced" the bastard, i was *12*! that means it was, at the very least, statutory rape and several OTHER illegal acts. a 12 year old has NO frame of reference to give consent [and i did NOT give consent! i NEVER wanted him to touch me at ALL. he was old and gross] the fact that he physically abused me - he often hit and kicked me - should have just proved to the neighborhood that i was the *victim* - i was always bruised, sometimes worse.

he raped me. THEY *allowed* him to rape me, and THEY blamed *ME* for being raped. who do i hate more? he's dead, he can't hurt me anymore - but they still spread rumors and lies about it. THEY still try to hurt me.

and i STILL, to this day, don't know WHY

Author: denelian, Female, Ohio, USA
Date: 03/11/2010